


Origins

by Tehri



Series: Memories of Home [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: And they won't tell anyone, Bilbo has too much fun telling stupid stories, Bilbo is a troll, Dwarves are horrified, Except for the hobbits themselves, That one where no one knows where hobbits came from
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 14:54:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2114148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tehri/pseuds/Tehri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Like all races, hobbits have their secrets. And instead of simply refusing to tell people, they make up ridiculous stories to give people something to think about. Bilbo is no exception and might perhaps be enjoying the storytelling a bit too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Origins

One thing that became blindingly obvious during the first few weeks of travel with the dwarves was their curiosity regarding hobbits. Bilbo found it rather amusing when they tried to cover up their curiosity with rudeness or anything of the like; and really, he tried to stick to the truth, but there were simply things the hobbits kept to themselves.

Which led to quite frankly ridiculous stories about why his great-great-great-granduncle Bandobras was called “Bullroarer”, why the Oldbucks had changed their names to Brandybuck instead, why they didn’t have an active military, and so on.

The last one had been an amusing story to tell, if only for the looks on their faces when he told them that a Took driven to the point of absolute fury was worth three battle-hardened dwarves and that the hobbits had quite frankly scared everyone who ever thought to underestimate them.

They really didn’t need to know that the Took-fury was truly something to be feared, but it could never match the legendary and rarely seen Baggins-wrath. He _had_ shuddered when telling that story, and not just for dramatic effect; he did remember the only time in his life when his mother and father had truly gotten enraged with a bunch of rambunctious tweens who had found it funny to stuff the ten-year-old Bilbo into a barrel and roll it down the Hill. Their anger hadn’t even been aimed at him, and it was still terrifying.

And if Bilbo had a shorter fuse to match his mother’s Tookish temper, and if he had the combined forces of the Took-fury and the Baggins-wrath at his disposal, well… The dwarves would just have to find out about that one day, wouldn’t they?

One evening, a few days after they left Rivendell, Bilbo found himself telling the dwarves of how the hobbits came to be in the Shire; not the most interesting story, perhaps, but an important chapter in the history of hobbits. Just as he was about to tell them how Bucca of the Marish came to be the first Thain, Kili suddenly piped up.

“But where did hobbits come from?” the young dwarf asked. “Elves and humans and dwarves have their stories, so why have we never heard any stories about where hobbits come from?”

A murmur rose from the others as they considered the question. Dwarves were made by Mahal, and Elves were the Firstborn, and Men were the Secondborn. Where on earth _did_ hobbits come into the picture? Even orcs had a story attached to them, however vile it may be…

“Why, haven’t you guessed it already?” Bilbo asked, looking quite surprised. “I would’ve thought it was obvious!” He paused for a moment and grinned at them. “Bunnies, of course! How did you not know that?”

There was silence. They stared at him. He stared right back, one eyebrow raised. Gandalf chuckled silently where he sat nearby.

“You’re joking,” Glóin finally blurted out. “You’ve got to be joking.”

“Not even a little,” Bilbo replied as he leant back. “You lot have been joking about the resemblance for so long, I actually thought that you knew already.”

Fili and Kili stared at each other in shock. Dwalin and Nori let out an identical choked noise.

“Well, look at our enormous families,” Bilbo continued conversationally. “Did you know that my grandfather Gerontius had twelve children? Nine lads and three lasses? No one has topped that yet, but I’m certain they’re trying. And there’s the constant worrying about food, and the skittishness. Not to mention the hole-building.”

By now, the dwarves were all making shocked noises and letting out despairing cries of “but _how_ ” and “don’t ask that, no one will ever need to know _how_ ”. Bilbo stretched like a satisfied cat and smirked at them.

“Honestly, there the tales divide,” he said. “No one’s really sure about how that came to happen, but it’s been suggested that either bunnies suddenly began to walk on two legs and behave more and more like Men, and eventually they lost their fur and so on.” His smirk turned into a wicked grin. “Then there’s the story not meant for children’s ears, about how a Man laid with a bunny and the bunny gave birth to a tiny child that was neither Man nor beast.”

The despairing cries became even louder at that, and Fili and Kili pressed their hands over their ears in a vain attempt to block out any more information. Bilbo forced himself to hold back his laughter when he saw how Thorin paled and said something in the dwarven tongue that had Dwalin making choking noises again. The hobbit glanced over at Gandalf, who met his gaze with a wide grin. And Bilbo promptly failed to hold back his laughter any longer.

“Sweet merciful Valar, could you lot be any more gullible,” he cried as he wiped tears mirth from his eyes. “For goodness’ sake, I thought you’d catch on immediately! How on _earth_ could you believe anything so utterly ridiculous?!” Still laughing, he began to thumb some pipe weed into his pipe. “I can quite frankly not believe you. Don’t ever give anyone with Took-blood in their veins an opening like that, it’s far too tempting to tell ridiculous tales to mess with your poor minds!”

“Your mother had quite a good story, if you remember,” Gandalf chuckled. “She told it to anyone who would ask.”

Bilbo grinned brightly as he lit his pipe.

“Ah yes, the brilliant tale of the dwarf who laid with an elf,” he said. “I’d tell you the whole story, but I suspect you’d have my hide for it.”

The dwarves stared at him. If they had looked shocked when Bilbo laughed and gave away that he had made everything up, the looks on their faces were now filled with confusion, disgust, anger, and fear.

“No self-respecting dwarf would so much as _touch_ one of those bloody tree-shaggers,” Dwalin snarled after a moment of silence.

“Of course,” Bilbo chuckled as he puffed on his pipe. “I know that now, don’t I? Mother thought it was dreadfully funny, and so does most of the Shire to this day. I mean, we do look like the product of such an illicit relationship, don’t we?”

As it was, Bilbo’s current mood meant that the strangled furious noise Thorin made was very amusing indeed, and he paid no heed to the dirty looks sent his way for the rest of that evening. It was the hobbit’s turn to take the first watch, and he did so without a word of complaint; he figured he’d gotten back at them for all their teasing by now.

Once Bilbo sat by the fire with his blankets wrapped around him and the others had drifted off to sleep, Thorin suddenly came over to sit beside the hobbit.

“That was quite a cruel joke,” the dwarf rumbled as he pulled out his pipe.

“How is it cruel when I’m not joking about any of you?” Bilbo asked and tilted his head. “No, don’t tell me, this has to do with dwarven tradition, does it not?”

“It does.”

“Well, if you all get to be secretive about your language and your traditions, then we get to be secretive about where we come from.”

They sat and smoked in silence for a long while before Thorin finally spoke up again.

“Where did your kind actually come from?” he asked. “And don’t give me any ridiculous answer this time.”

Bilbo smiled and shook his head.

“We sprouted from the ground, of course,” he said seriously. “Like flowers and trees and bushes. Why do you think we’re so fond of plants? We need to take care of future hobbits, after all.”

He didn’t need to turn his head to know that the dwarf was staring at him.

“You’re joking again,” Thorin said slowly.

“I can tell you what’s _not_ true,” Bilbo offered. He waited for Thorin’s nod before he spoke again. “Despite what some seem to believe, we are not somehow related to Men. Or elves or dwarves, for that matter. We’re entirely our own.” He grinned brightly. “Now, exactly where we come from is something I’ll let you think about. We need some secrets, after all.”

When morning came and the company started moving again, Fili and Kili sidled up to Bilbo and asked the same question as the previous night. The hobbit gave them a very serious look and shrugged.

“Might as well tell you, or you’ll never leave me be,” he said. “Squirrels.”

Thorin chuckled silently and shook his head. They’d never really know, would they?

**Author's Note:**

> The thought refused to go away, and it had to be written.  
> It is stated that "some scholars" (unclear on if this intends scholars in Middle Earth or scholars in real life) believe that hobbits are descended from Men, but that the connection has been lost. It is also possible that they were awakened around the same time as Men, but this is slightly less likely due to the fact that there is no record of the hobbits before their time in the Vale of Anduin. In lack of a better theory, I have taken to the notion that Yavanna created hobbits; and hobbits, being very different from elves (who are proud of being the Firstborn) and dwarves (who are very proud of having been created by Aulë) and Men (who don't seem to consider gods of any kind anymore, which is a bit rude), simply don't talk about where they came from. They know, and they will happily give thanks to Yavanna in tending to their land and looking after all that grows there, but they will not speak of it loudly.


End file.
